I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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