Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
