...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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