I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
