i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
