ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize