So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
