Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
