If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
