You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize