The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dear god my vagina.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
