"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
