i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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