how hairy? two words: wookie tits
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
