I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
