I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
