i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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