i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
