I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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