Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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