PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
