We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
