I think my vagina is haunted
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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