I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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