nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize