I will die if light touches me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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