I like to think it a success when the cops are called
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
