I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
