i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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