shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
