I molested 6 butterflies tonight
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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