Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
