Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
