Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
