I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
