I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
