Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Can't talk, ducks in the car
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
