We won't sleep together?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
