I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
