just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
