All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
please come you make the beer taste better
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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