would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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