I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
