when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
