Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
