I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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