she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
