if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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