i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
