you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I yelled at your uterus for you.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
