I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
