I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
