I'm so fucking centered right now
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
