I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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