Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
