um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
