I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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