Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
