The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
