So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
