Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
