I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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