I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
