U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
