12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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