Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
